You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
