If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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