that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
