apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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