I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
