I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
