Need sex. Gaining weight.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
