i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
