I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you had me at cake vodka
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
