Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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