Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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