he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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