did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
