They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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