im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
