My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
