I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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