And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
