My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
