I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
