had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
