I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
