I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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