I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
