I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
