I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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