oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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