did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
