if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
