Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
