apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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