so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
