take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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