that's an acceptable place to lick
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I would ride that face into the sunset
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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