Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
