I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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