Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
