Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
