You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
