There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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