Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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