and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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