got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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