Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
