She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Can't talk, ducks in the car
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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