I wish I could punch you in the face.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
