I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
