I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
