Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
