By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
