Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
